i wish starbucks made bloody marys
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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