i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
