Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
