I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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