You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
