just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
this hospital has no fireball
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
