You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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