What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
