Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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