the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
