Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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