Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize