Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
