What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
