Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
