trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
