I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
