Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
