Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
