Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
