Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
