There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
