Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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