so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize