I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
