please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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