your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize