Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
