Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
