Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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