she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i need some magic done to my vagina
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
