when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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