I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
