I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
