I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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