I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
