i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
