So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
