It was confusing and full of hummus
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
