just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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