Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize