There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize