you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
