god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
People with herpes should wear stickers.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
