Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
