I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
