i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
