420 ftw
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
