he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
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