The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
