Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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