I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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