I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
whose parrot is this?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
