we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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