Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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