the condom got lost in my hair
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
