fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
