nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
