wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
