Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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