You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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