I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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